What Not To Do When You've Got A Hungry Bum!

So It was a hot day and I wanted to be like everyone else and wear some cutsie shorts(Why not eh?). I understand I have big legs so it doesn't look the greatest, but today who really cares? I cut up a baggy pair of trousers and folded them up at ends. (Problem number one in the summer, I end up cutting up all my jeans and having nothing left to wear in the winter!) Walking down the street wearing my new lovely shorts, I suddenly felt them riding up my bum. I discretely rugged them down and thought nothing of it (but that wasn't the end of it!). My bum was hungry and wasn't letting go of this one. I began to tug hard at my shorts and was beginning to get some very strange looks (you can imagine why). I pulled again at my shorts and my nails went straight through the material, so now I had a hole right in the bum area (great that's all I needed). I guess that teaches me for having long sharp nails! I had no time to go home, so there was nothing else for it. I ducked and dived behind a garden wall, whipped off my short and put on the spare pair of leggings in my bag (that's right I take a spare part of leggings with me now!) Half way through stripping off I noticed a little old lady looking through her window directly at me, with a smirk on her face (mortified). I straightened myself up and strutted off down the road (I'm sure I'm not the first lady shes seen stripping off in broad daylight, right?). I looked down at my leggings proud of my brilliance. Looking closer at them I noticed it was my crappy Primark leggings, and you could pretty much see my underwear through them anyway (sod it). Today I give up! Will there ever be a day that goes right for me?

Chatty Yaz (Mortified Memories)

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Damn Greggs & Their Perfect Location!

So I’m guessing you already get the gist of today’s post. Every day I walk out of the station and there it is (Greggs). It is placed so eloquently outside the bus station, how can I say no? But today I have started my diet (I know I say that every day, but today I really have), so I wasn’t about to let Greggs’ delicious sweet bakery ruin it for me! I got off the bus and exited the bus station, taking long brisk strides with my strong willed mind pushing forwards. My legs of course began to disobey my direct order and started walking towards the bakery (No, No, No). I tried to take control of my legs with my focused mind, but it was as if I were possessed (I was powerless). There was no stopping them, as much as I tried to walk past Greggs, my legs had taken a detour and I was now planted in the bakery and being asked what I wanted. I replied ‘the usual please’ (Yes the f***ing usual!). The lady knew exactly what I was talking about (shock horror) and said that they had almost run out of the ice doughnuts but she had saved one for me as she knew I would be in to get one. She then put it in a bag and made my latte (Yes that’s right, even the Greggs workers know I have no will power!). I am such a regular I may as well start getting discount vouchers. I felt like a golden customer! (This was not good). But then again they should commend my loyalty! I left the bakery with half a doughnut sticking out of my mouth, as a lady in jogging gear with toned arms and a perked bum walked past looking at me in disgust. (How dare she look at me like that, as whose fault is this really? Was it me the innocent bystander who happened to get drawn in to their excellent location and yummy cakes? Or was it Greggs and their knowing of my lack of willpower and ridiculous sweet tooth? (Exactly) There is no moral to this story; I just wanted to let you know I still haven’t started this stupid diet!

Chatty Yaz (Women’s Worries)

Xx

Plan A or Plan B?

So what is the sitting protocol for wearing a short flowing skirt these days? When you sit down, do you A) place your skirt neatly around your legs, exposing you naked thighs to your seat or B) Try and sweep the skirt under your thighs as it bunches up under your legs. Well today I tried both, and neither seemed to work out well for me. Sat on the bus I spread my lovely cream skirt around the top of my legs and decided not to sit directly on it. Little did I know someone was about to sit next to me straight on to my skirt. I tried quickly moving my skirt from the offending sitter, but my reaction time was too slow (flip). I was now stuck. All I could do was hope and pray he would get off the bus before me. I sat and waited. I saw my bus stop coming up, and he wasn’t budging in the slightest. I guess you could say I started to panic a little. In a hurried state I hoisted myself from my seat a bit too quick, where my skirt stretch downwards and the quickly pinged itself upwards revealing my little light pink thong(I don’t know what was worse, my exposed crotch or his horrified face). Red faced I patted my skirt down and made my exit from the bus. Option A was a bad idea, so I decided option B was going to be today’s choice. It was lunchtime and it was 22 degrees outside, so I decided to go out for lunch. I found a bench on a field and sat down to eat me lunch, scooping my skirt neatly under my legs (as I didn't want a repeat of the bus incident). By the time I had finished my lunch, the sun was so hot I felt as if I was slowly melting. I got up from the bench, moving my hand under my legs along with the skirt to make sure it didn't get tucked up in my underwear (knowing my luck that would happen). As I grabbed my skirt I felt a warm damp material, I realised the scorching sun had made a sweat patch on my bum! I swiveled my head around to see a small, but noticeable damp blotch on my cream skirt (shit it looks like I've wet myself)! I scramble for my bag and press it against my bum. Plan B had not gone to plan! As I walked back to my office I held my bag close to my bum. Let’s just say I got some strange looks.

Hairdressers do NOT listen!

To the salon my disaster of what I call hair and I went. I would love to say this was a pleasant experience, but from the word go it had been a bit chaotic (no surprise there then). I walked into the salon and was greeted with a sea of hellos. I then went and sat down in a chair and got ready for someone to come and attend my hair (so far so good eh?). 

A male hairdresser suddenly came along and told me that the original plan to dye and highlight my hair would never work, and could potentially turn it orange (serious panic time). He suggested I go a shade darker than what I wanted and for me to have a think and come back another day, and also informed me that it would cost a lot more (is this guy flipping kidding!). I sat there panicking as I needed my hair done TODAY and needed it not to be orange (Not too much to ask for I thought). Well I can tell you, I ignored the advice and stood my ground! 

I was offered all kinds of drinks and snacks, not wanting to make a fuss I said no (even though the lattes with biscuits on the side looked so darn good). Highlighted and dyed my hair was and to the sink my hair was directed (Now for the relaxing bit). 

So I lead my head back into the sink and was hit by a burning sensation on my head. The lady asked if the temperature of the water was okay, not wanting to make a fuss (though glistening eyes) I said it was absolutely fine. My head was literally on fire (ironic). Could it get any worse? YES. The sink had all of a sudden become strangely uncomfortable and my neck was killing me. I was lead there getting what was meant to be a nice head massage, but instead I had a torture device drilling into the back of my neck (If they ever wanted to extract information from someone, screw the pulling out of teeth, let them lye their head back in this dam sink). After an excruciating 30 minutes (of course I didn't say anything as I didn't want to make a fuss), I was allowed to raise me head (was my neck broken? Did I need a neck brace? I am literally not exaggerating; it felt as if someone had taken a sledge hammer to my neck). So I will admit the colour wasn't half bad, I was looking for a bit lighter, but I did actually like it (kind of impossible not to like it, with how bad it looked before). 

 It was now time for the important bit (cutting my hair). The hairdresser asked how much I wanted off the ends; I of course said less than half an inch. The hairdresser takes this with a pinch of salt (I may as well have been speaking Chinese)! So she began to cut, and I was pleased (very pleased). Then she carried on, and I became less and less pleased. Of course I didn't say anything as I didn't want to make a fuss, instead telepathically trying to tell this woman to stop. A good 10 minutes later, I had given up on the idea that she could read my mind and accepted my hair was ruined. 

So cliff notes, I left the salon with a colour I didn't ask for, with the length that was way too short and a maxed out credit card (of course I had to give here a tip as well, what would they have thought if I hadn't tipped). Here is a tip for you ladies that doesn't cost a thing, make a bloody fuss when it comes to your hair! Or you will end up coming out of the salon wanting to cry and walking into a hair shop looking for a decent wig.   


Chatty Yaz (Women's Worries)

xx

Let Rihanna Keep Her Red!

So my day begins at the early rise of 6.50AM. I get dressed, brush my teeth & hair (obviously not with the same brush) and then attempt doing my makeup. I say attempt as makeup, early mornings and I just don’t usually mix (seriously it’s a disaster waiting to happen). To my surprise it turns out pretty good (which is a miracle in my eyes). But I make the stupid mistake of putting on bright red lipstick (because it matches my top), and immediately regret it, as I really want to eat that yummy chocolate brioche in my bag. So the challenge for today was to eat my brioche and not screw up my lipstick. Piece of cake, or so I thought! So I walk down the street breaking off pieces of chocolaty bread, while chewing on it like a goat (attractive). I really should just accept red lipstick is for films and celebrities, because in the space of an hour I’d managed to make myself a paranoid wreck, checking every mirror in a 10ft radius every second to make sure my lipstick hadn't smudged. By the time I had made it to work my lipstick looked more like a dodgy pink, there was chocolate stuck in my teeth and crumbs all down my top. Ladies please just save yourselves the drama and go for a pale pink instead, oh and while you are at it don't eat when walking to work either (Messy)! Actually just stay away from bread all together!!

Chatty Yaz (Real Talk)

xx

Kylie Minogue Would be Ashamed!

So my sister invited me to a Butlins Adult Weekend! She told me they were wild, fun and that we just had to go. But of course being a woman my first thoughts were ‘OMG, what am I going to wear!?’ Discussing this with my sister, she told me she was going as a Baywatch babe (Brave). So my competitive alter ego just had to go that one step further! Yes I scoured the internet for some Kylie Minogue gold hot pants! Yes I am a size 14 and no one above a size 10 should be seen dead in a pair of cheeky peaks, yet I was an optimist! To my calculations I figured that in three weeks I could easily drop two dress sizes (even though I found it hard to drop one dress size in a year!). Just thought I would also let you know, I have half a week left and I've gained 3 pounds.The funny thing was, that wasn't the worse of it! The gold hot pants came today in the post, and resemble shorts that could only be described as a paper thin metallic polishing cloth (yes they were tiny and literally made of paper!). I took one look and laughed, as did the rest of my work colleagues. Somehow I don’t think I will be wearing them! Kylie would be ashamed.

Chatty Yaz (Real Talk)

xx

I Guess One Binge Won't Hurt...

So it’s now day two of my healthy eating. With dedication running through my veins, I strutted to work. I loaded energising music in my ears and downed my dodgy green diet shake in one. I felt as if I could conquer the world...until lunchtime came. So I looked at my lunch fund (Damn only £10 left to last me a week) and I began mulling it over in my mind (should I spend £2 a day or spend it all now on one big lunch?). 

*              *             *

I walked out of Burger King with 4 Whopper burgers in my takeaway bag worth exactly £10 ((Bargain!)For those who don't know, The Whopper is the King of the Day on Wednesdays). So I sat at my desk and stuffed my way through mayo, gherkin and beefy goodness. I couldn't have possible been happier, until I finished. I looked at mountain of Burger King wrappers, and instead of feeling guilty and shit, pride welled up inside. To be honest it was hard not to be impressed (Come on, 4 Whoppers!). Only problem was my stomach had bloated to the size of a football and it had become hard to conceal (damn that greasy food to hell). I've never in my life wanted people to assume I was eating for two, but as I walked home I cradled my tummy like an expecting mother, in shear hope that people would think I was pregnant! I kid you not it honestly looked as if I was carrying twins. Tomorrow surely must be better for my diet...Let's hope!

Chatty Yaz (Women's Worries)

xx

My Gym Disaster!

So it was my first day at the gym, and I didn't manage to go through with it. Yes I paid a lot of money to join, yes I had a 30 min induction with a personal trainer and yes I had all my training gear on. But I just couldn’t! I can imagine I’m not the only woman in the world that has walked into the gym, thought nope and turned back around and made a beeline straight for the door! As I darted for the door, I hoped the trainer wouldn't spot me and telepathically know I was the person that had booked that 7PM slot. As soon as I was out of spotting distance and safely planted in town, I made a short pit stop at Mac Donalds! Ashamed? I think so! So I ate my two 'Big Tasty' burgers, that weren't in fact that tasty and walked towards the bus station. Yes I felt defeated, guilty and disappointed in myself, but then I remembered a crucial fact! There’s always tomorrow! So everyone that’s my amazing start to my health new life style! I’m thinking I’m going to have to try a little harder….

Chatty Yaz (Real talk)

xx

Here It Begins!

I have decided to start a blog! I've heard that anyone who is aspiring to be a journalist should have one, so here I am. There is no specific topic to this blog, as there is nothing specific I love to write about. I love to write about anything and everything! So here is my blog, I hope you guys enjoy!

Chatty Yaz

xx